Monday, September 15, 2008

May This Be a Lesson

It isn't very often life throws me a lesson. The few times I can count on my fingers. Once was when I threw out my old Units leggings only to realize in 1997, 2001, 2003, 2005, and 2008 that spandex is a girl's best friend after a Cheetos dinner. Bonus, it's apparently trendy again. Lesson learned: Do not throw away any article of clothing ever. Put it in storage or in your brother's closet unbeknowest to them if you have to. Then when you dig them out for the fifth time, dust off your "Get in Shape Girl" tape and accompaning baton and work out the pain of life. Another, don't make bets. Not for dollars, bragging rights, or the last diet Worthers Originals. Inevitably you will lose. And having to watch a friend crunch down on buttery goodness while your stomach trembles in sadness and hunger because you are trying to lose weight for an event that will suck anyway is a torture I think no one should experience. Lesson learned: Don't make bets. Other than that any lesson that God pushed my way I totally ignored and instead basqued in the glow of the general malaise of my generation. Follow after the jump.

Ike, however, had a different plan. Yes he did. He wanted to teach me the lesson to end all lessons. So he did by essentially slapping my face and whisper yelling, "Listen little girl, a day of reckoning is upon you! And that day is like right now at 5:30pm on Saturday September 13th, 2008." The cruelty of this very important lesson involved not one but two cans of Coke Zero. You see, I'm a panicker. I panic about even the minutest detail of everday life. I panic when I mistake a blonde hair for a grey hair, I panic when my tivo cuts a show off before the preview for the next episode is complete, I even panic when my puppy shits green. But aren't all shits green? Yes. To a degree. But money green and forest green are different and mean something. Dog owners understand. So one can only imagine the state of panic I was in Saturday at 1:30am when Ike stormed my city and raped it a new vagina while leaving its citizens with an understanding of how people lived way back in 1860 with no power. Eliza arrgh yew?...Needling thusly mama by the blaze of this ebolliant how vary refreshing dearest...shall we take a turn about the room?...Yeah, like that shit.

When it was all over, the real fun began. I can only describe it as akin to having one's eyes dilated and then being forced to stare at the sun for seven hours. We surveyed damage, cut down tree limbs with our bare hands (totally true) to remove the blockage in our driveway, and talked to each other. Ugh. But alas a ray of hope was near. At about 3:30pm Centerpoint Energy restored electricity in my house. Humanity rejoice! Hoorah! Why so blessed? I dunno. Sometimes life just is. Ooh but Ike was not pleased. How could he be when he had a day of reckoning to give me at 5:30pm on Saturday September 13th, 2008!!! Enter two shiny cans of Coke Zero. Technically one, but total two. As I had stated upthread I'm a panicker and in situations such as this, i.e a hurricane the size of Texas barreling towards my backyard at breakneck pace, the panicker tends to make plans and prepare. Part of this so-called preparation included the idea of rationing. The rules were as follows, ration batteries, ration food, and most imperative ration caffeine because in my life caffeine is only second, or even at times too close to call, to Jesus of Nazarrene. So in the Friday debriefing with the family I stated that Monique's Hurricane Preparation Plan stipulated only ONE Coke Zero per day per family member with asterick. Asterick being that the little one, Ximena, got none because she's the baby and also lazy and if one had to be disposable you take out the weakest link and well...all I'm saying is that China and Sophie would approve.

This was the plan and it was approved by all but the little one who was then bribed by $20.00. But someone inevitably broke rank, and that someone was me. When the power came back at 3:30 on Saturday September 13th, 2008, I said screw it. Life is too short!!, live a little sassy!!!, get a second Coke Zero!!, celebrate!!, the power is back on!!! Subconsciously I knew it was too good to be true, but I was cocky. So eventhough the plan in plain terms stated ONE Coke Zero per day until the family could assess the current situation, I busted that refridg open, stared its contents for longer than the prescribed 2.5 seconds also stipulated in Monique's Hurrican Preparation Plan (remember, the less you open up the refridg the longer the food stays cold...the more you know), and pulled another iced one. Not two hours later Ike cut off the electricity again. The exponential tragedy of it all? I wasn't thirsty. Lesson learned: Don't be an asshole. Side lesson: Stick to the plan. I didn't and am paying justly for it. I should have waited until the next day and the post ops family meeting to announce Monique's Hurricane Preparation Plan for 2008 as a success before attempting a two-fer but I was too cocky. My family is convinced my taking another Coke Zero plunged us into the darkness we're still living in today. Sadly, they're right. Sorry dudes. So as I sleep at my friends house again for the second night in a row I reiterate to you dear readers...don't be an asshole, stick to your plan.


rita said...

Tasty, tasty, a refreshing coke zero. Only a fellow asshole would understand and know how delicious that zero must of tasted. Screw everyone, life is about survival of the fittest. It is not your fault that others continue to play by the rules--rules are for braking!

ximena said...


and you forgot to mention our favorite song this hurrication.
"Electricty come back.. you can blame it on monique. she got cocky and now we dont have power.. " thanks for that one monique!