Tuesday, August 25, 2009

There's an "App" For That..

I wouldn't be surprised if there was. No really. Which is why I may be moving to Switzerland..where Google can't get to you.

More After the Jump!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Music Music Everywhere

Even though Jen is in London she still has time to pass on great tunes. She knew about my new found obsession with Bon Iver and so... Well, I wouldn't call it "new". I've known about him for years but my taste in music is cyclical and when Bon showed up on my radar I had just passed the cut-off mark for my soft folk infused period. I can't remember why I didn't automatically go ape-shit for it, I think at the time I had just moved on to synth rock, aka E.S.T. and Shiny Toy Guns. But whatever. I'm back in the mood for singer songwriter acoustic guitar/sytar type music and Jen delivered. If there's a twist to the band it's even better. Like Grizzly Bear and their Pet Sounds-esque lullaby. Anyway, it's taken a billion words to just get to the point which is Bon Iver (pronounced Bone E-Ver) is amazing and he's joined forces with Volcano Choir. Well technically Volcano Fire is a compilation of many great artists that sometimes get together to release great fucking songs. This round it's Bon Iver + Collections of Colonies of Bees. If your confused think Postal Service which is three friends, one of which is Ben Gibbard from Death Cab for Cutie, or Stars which is two kids who are also part of Broken Social Scene...and talking in circles again. So Volcano Fire's album, UnMap, which will be released Sept. 22nd, includes a song I haven't been able to stop listening too. The song is called "Island, IS". I will put a link below for your downloading pleasure. It's so good. On repeat good. I think I already said that but it was worth repeating. I'm definitely buying that album. More Music after the jump

Speaking of Bon, that guy has been a busy little bee as of late. Apparently he's also contributing a song to the New Moon soundtrack. What's New Moon? I know you know and please spare me the humiliation of having to explain. I was stunned he lent a song. Even more stunned that he didn't just license an old recycled song but actually wrote a new tune for the film. Literally he sat down, thought about the themes of the book that he probably had to read or go to a Twilight website to peruse, and wrote words to music. Really? Wow. Can you imagine Bon Iver at a desk with a hazy image of Robert Pattinson sparkling in the sunlight behind his eye lids humming to himself "sadness...danger...desolation...magic". If I wasn't so pathetically in love with this series I'd die laughing at the thought. Ok, no. I'm laughing but it's still a great coup that Bon wanted in on the project. But I wasn't done stunning though. Seconds later I learned someone else also contributed a song to the soundtrack. A new song as well. Thom Yorke. Yeah. Thom Yorke. Contributing a song to a film adaptation of a book with gems such as..."When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy Unbelievable right? I still can't wrap my head around that. Well, Thom I sort of can. He licensed "15 Step" to play at the end credits of Twilight so he was familiar with the project. Curiously though he lent the song for use in the film but not for the soundtrack. Probably thought no one would see it. He probably also thought Coldplay, his cheap substitute, would be a one album wonder too. Side note question: Isn't he notorious for not lending music out for films? I thought I heard that somewhere. Anywho, other bands supposedly in the running for the album include Band of Skulls (which I've heard and they're good), Death Cab, The Used, and...wait for it...wait for it...Kings Of Leon. I.just.don't.get.it..."Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliance, there was beauty" Seriously? Kings of Leon? Really? Whatever. I'd be happy.

Anyway enough about Twilight. Let's move onto Where the Wild Things are shall we. I just read an article that discusses Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's involvement with the film. She's the driving force behind the soundtrack. Sidenote: If you haven't heard and or own The Yeah Yeah Yeah's latest, "It's Blitz" you're missing out. It's incredible. Different from their normal fare but still amazing. (I sound like Katie Holmes talking about her maybe gaybe husband don't I). The article reports the score was a collaboration between Karen O and Carter Burwell.( yes, Carter Burwell of Twilight fame. He wrote the infamous "Bella's lullaby". Alexandre Desplait (Curious Case of Benjamin Button) is writing the New Moon score...My hatred of myself for knowing this shit is more than the brunt of your laughter so shove it.) Karen and her musical team on the album which includes members of The Bird and The Bee, The Dead Weather, and many more call themselves, "Karen O's kids"... Catchy no?...leave an outstanding imprint on the soundtrack. Can't wait! I've added a vid where you can hear part of the score and some of the songs for your ear below.

Well that's it for now kids. I'm not proofing this so deal with both grammatical and other errors. Peace.

Download: Volcano Fire: Island, IS (LOVE IT)

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Too Great Not to Share

23 Movie Plots That Could Have Been Solved in Minutes:

From cracked.com:

Ever get frustrated that the villain rigs a complicated trap instead of just shooting James Bond in the head? Or that Batman doesn't just kill the damned Joker when he has him right in front of him? The truth is a whole lot of movies would be a whole lot shorter if their characters would just once say, "'Hey boss, I know this is gonna' sound crazy, but what if just this once, we tried not doing things the most complicated way possible?"

We asked you to show us via Photoshop how you would have resolved these plots more efficiently than the characters did.

Click on this link to see the full results. I'm placing one or two after the jump.

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Monday, August 17, 2009

Imogen's Imagination

Imogen Heap drops her latest album on August 24th. Now if you're a friend of mine on facebook then you know that her album, Speak for Yourself, ranked as one of my top five most influential albums. It was her voice that lead me to Au Revoir Simone, Air, Psapp, and many more. I like to think of it as ethereal electronica. A couple of years ago I had the chance to see Imogen live with Jennifer. It still is one of my favorite concerts of all time. As layered and complex as her sound is, 90% of it is all her. You think I'm lying but I'm not. She loops her voice and other instruments to be able to do it. She is one impressive artist. Imogen embedded her new album on her website for a listen. I've copied the code and put it here for you guys to enjoy. God I love her:

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Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Today marks the day of my bestie's departure to London for two years. Two whole years in the land of feesh n' cheeps, Her-may-onee Greenjah, and Protestantism. Man I'm going to miss her. She was the first friend I ever made in the trecherous terrain known as the public school system. I still debate with her as to whether she thought I was one of the "special" kids when I introduced myself to her on the second day of school per my mother's brilliant idea. "Hi, my name is Monique. What is your name?" cue Jennifer's mind: God Damn it I have no time for this shit. Eat the paste kids go through the front doors and report to the teacher with the colored macaroni craft necklace and banana clip down the hall. Of course that's always what I suspected she thought. What she actually did and said, though, is the essence of who my friend is. With a kind and genuine smile she introduced herself, and her friends and the rest is history. It's been what, 18 years now? Holy schnikes is right.

I'm actually really excited for her, well, as much as I can be for the complete loner I will become now that she, one of two single friends I have in this city, has left. Or, is leaving..today at 3pm...central standard time. Anxiety? Who has anxiety? Not me? I sound disturbed and a bit lesbianish about my friend don't I? I'm not to the second count, suspect on the first. But whatever this isn't about me this is about Jennifer. She's going to get to watch Skins season 4 on its first run. She will also be in the presence of sexy accents, Gwyneth Paltrow, the Glastonbury music festival, the tube, the cue, the loo, the mind the gaps, the cabs, those cute phone booths,the Queen, the Queen's son, the Queen's grandson, the Queen's grandson who may or not be blood related, New Order, The Cure, Abbey Road, Shakespeare, Harrods, Paddington Bear, Marc Darcy, Radiohead, the London Tower, Big Ben, Cadburry chocolates, and Burberry. Yeah, I think she will be fine.

Me? Sure

Safe travels friend! I'll see you on skype.

More After the Jump!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

120ish Minutes of 500 Days of Summer

A week ago (as I procrastinate I have to add a night FYI, taking bets that the final tally will be about "three months ago") I attended a special screening of the film, 500 Days of Summer at the Angelika. My love for this film began the day I first laid eyes on the trailer. Within the first seconds of footage I heard the familiar beats of Regina Spektor's "US" and just knew. Call me shallow or whatever but for me trailer music can really make or break my desire to see a film. For instance, if a movie utilizes say, Band of Horses, i.e. Penelope, I will instantly want to see it, no matter if the story is about a girl with a pig nose played by the forehead of Cristina Ricci. Nights of Rohdarte? That shit used LifeHouse or something in that particular genre and I avoided the film like the plague. Could it be because Richard Gere and Keanu Reeves acting are interchangeable for me? Possibly..."I was very ANGRY with my father.." Could it be because it's Nicolas Sparks? Uh huh.

This is not to say that ONLY songs playing in the background of the trailer dictates what I want to see but pretty much. Unless its a Harry Potter film, a Twilight film, an Apatow film, or life beat me down, I usually pass.

Bottom line: I was euphoric to see this film. And tickle my balls the movie did not disappoint. Hallelujah! Praise the Jesus! I'd be lying if that didn't come as shock. I had fully intended it to suck. Hyped movies are very rarely something I actually enjoy. I'm looking at YOU Sunshine Cleaning, what with your depressing plot/tone heavily disguised in the trailer with the sensationally incandescent Amy Adams smile. Little did I know that ONE smile in the trailer was all I was going to get. ONE smile and a whole lot of suicidal shitshows with a sprinkle of lesbianism. Moving On after the jump.

I won't ruin the plot for you but I will reiterate what is said in the opening credits: This is not a love story. Tis true. It is not. But that does not mean one is left feeling saddened. No, this movie is hope. Hope in a cup (for you, X). You see, for anyone who's ever been in a situation where you desperately want something or someone so much it makes you do retarded things like talk to them or invite them out and/or eat something and yet, that desperation leads you nowhere because duck duck goose you're not it...this movie will resonate. Not only resonate but make it make sense in the grandiose scheme of it all. There is one line said by the very beautiful Zooey Deschenel, i.e. Summer, i.e. I am lesbian for you, near the end that just literally hits the spot and makes you go, "got it." Very cryptic, eh? I know. I said I wasn't going to spoil it. It's a happy ending though...if you look at life with a glass half full approach. I usually don't but I also had the good fortune of sharing some popcorn and sour patch kids so it kind of muddled my normally caustic, thank you office manager, mentality.

So watch it guys. Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are pitch-perfect. Shining stars. And the music is ridic. So So So good. The Smiths, Regina Spektor, Patrick Swayze, amazing. Jennifer was kind enough to forward an article detailing the music in the film and why the specific songs in the film were chosen. It's worth a read.(Thanks Jen!)

More After the Jump!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

For Jerry

Trailer for Van Wilder Freshman Year:

My friend, Jerry, is in this movie. Apparently. He's not in the trailer but he's Asian so you can't miss him in the film. I ask all my friends to buy this masterpiece (comes out July 14th) to support Jerry's Ed Hardy converse collection. The ruby bejeweled ones are calling his name.

Proud of you Jer! Hugs!

More After the Jump!

Thursday, May 7, 2009


If one post every three weeks is not enough for you then you can subscribe to my twitter. My handle is geektosheek. I have absolutely NO IDEA how the fuck twitter works, what the point of twitter is, if any of my generation uses or understands twitter and why its called twitter. What I do know is I joined cause whatever. If you want to join and also not understand the point go to twitter.com. And here is the rest of it.

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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Countess my have to Count on Another Name

The Real Housewives of Everything is one of the only shows I watch these days. It's seriously like a scab you can't help but pick at but when you do you inevitably start oozing blood and hate yourself for the next couple of days because it hurts like shit and takes forever to scab over again. Yes this is EXACTLY what I feel like every Tuesday night but I can't help it. These ladies are THE most entertaining attention seeking desperates in the most unfortunate outfits, hair styles, angles, and dilemmas I've ever seen! Right now Bravo is airing The Real Housewives of New York, not to be confused with The Real Housewives of Jersey which is coming to a television screen near you in the coming months. I must say that their delusions of class this season are far better than last season. Especially the Countess LuAnne de Lesseps, the countess who's name she shares with a platter at Luby's. She literally stated two weeks ago that men do not like their women to feel equal to them; that the damsel in distress is what gets men riled up. My personal feeling is that its viagra, alcohol, and availability but whatever. LuAnne is the former "print-ad" model, code for I used to model stirrups for Land's End, who married some aging (yes LuAnne, he's ancient, practically surviving on Metamucel) Count from somewhere who's family apparently gave the United States the Statute of Liberty. I love how they gift the symbol of freedom with an inscription that reads, "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" yet go around Manhattan requiring the "help", i.e. drivers, domestics, and fucking everyone else, call them "Count and Countess" so as not to be associated with the poor tired masses or the trashy.

Anywho today People.com posted that THE COUNTESS is separating from her husband. Apparently "print" models don't curry favor anymore. Do you love it or do you LOVE it. Bust out the damsel routine LuAnne looks like you're going to need it! And here is the rest of it.

More After the Jump!

Monday, March 30, 2009


My grandmother told me this morning that she was glad I lost all the post-asshole weight because now she can see my face. Today is going to be a great day.

More After the Jump!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Good Things Come to Those Who...

As I alluded to earlier I won a chance to review a book from one of my favorite authors. The book in question is Megan MacCafferty's final chapter in the Jessica Darling series, Perfect Fifths. OMG indeed. As you guys can understand I don't want to fuck this up so I'm going to take my sweet ass time finding the right way to express my thoughts on Jessica and Marcus' last go round. Rest assured I've finished the book already; it's hard not too. But I'm going to go back and sit with it for awhile. And by "sit with it" I mean re-read sections. I've said to much already. Look for the review this week. For right now I'll leave you with this. You'll understand soon enough.

More After the Jump!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Random Ramblings

1. This is kind of disturbing? Is it? I don't know I waiver. On the one hand, it could be perceived as her taking control of her life. On the other, it's a gun...on your rib cage. A tiny gun I grant you but still a weapon. What happened to tramp stamps in the shape of butterflies or some ancient Tahiti symbol for "breathe"? I am sincerely befuddled. Actually I'm sincerely concerned that she flew her tattoo artist to wherever she was. Couldn't she have waited, oh I dunno, until she was in his vicinity? I take it she did not send an email question to Obama's cyberchat. There were rumors awhile back that she was broke. Must have been just rumors. Domestic Disturbia 09 is getting outta hand guys. Outta hand.

2. Apparently the gymnist Shawn Johnson needs protection because a fan with TWO guns and DUCT TAPE showed up to the set Dancing with the Stars coming for her. Shawn Johnson needs protection. Shawn Johnson. No, not Mary Lou Retton. Shawn Johnson. I don't get America; I really don't. Yes. Shawn Johnson. Fine, I'll include a picture of her here.

3. The time has come. Where the Wild Things Are trailer: here. Misty eyed. You know what else is in the works? Amelia Bedelia. Yes siree. Playtone, owned by Tom Hanks, bought the rights and is adapting it for the big screen. They also, coincidentally, adapted The Polar Express and Where the Wild Things Are. Nice move Tom. Praying upon everyone's childhood is indeed smart. Now if you can also get cracking at a couple of other favs including some short films for Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shell Silverstein, and a treatment for Sideway Stories from Wayside School by Louis Sachar I will promise to watch any movie or show your son is in. Thanks!

More After the Jump!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Brainiacs to Good Google Use

The Google geeks are genius. Ever replied to "all" then wanted to kick yourself in the balls because you only intended to reply to one? Raise your hand if you mocked someone completely intentionally on email but not so much intended for them to know that. Raise your hand if you've sent a drunk "feelings" email then went to throw up because a.) mixing your alcohols is always a bad idea and b.) you realize sharing feelings is not what we as humans should do. I've done all of the above so many times I'm amazed people still converse with me. The Google Geeks wanted to change the humiliation so they've created the 5 second "O FUCK" rule. Yep. 5 seconds to take it back and retract a sent email. Tell me if this is not one of the best ideas ever. How it works is simple. When you hit the send button Google will automatically replace that button with "sending...undo" for 5 seconds at which point you click it and save your life. In order to activate this button, however, you need to go to your Google labs tab under settings in the upper right hand of your Gmail display. If you are confused ask me in the comments and I'll guide you.

This is going to change our live peeps.

More After the Jump!

Monday, March 23, 2009

How so Lucky?

I have received text messages, gchat queries, and facebook comments from friends determined to know why I posted a positive message as a status update on said referenced facebook. So uncharacteristic of me I know but I can't help it. Today is a good today. I call it my Natasha Beddingfield day. Labeled as such because it's at precise moments like these, good moments, that a girl can't help but consider themselves part of a jewel toned color schemed shopping/laughing montage replete with smooth legs, headbands, and a fountain nearby for flavor. All captured, mind you, by the essence of the words from an of-the-now songstress singing about pocket fulls of sunshine and rain on the skin which no one can feel except for oneself. Yes girls, one of THOSE days.

I don't want to ruin the surprise but suffice it to say I won a contest and I'm going to get to write a review. Details will come soon so stay tuned. Until then...

And here is the rest of it.

More After the Jump!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Can't Be Sure

I can't be sure but it looks like I own the same pair of jeans as Rachel Zoe. Who cares? I care. Because she's the ultimate stylist and if my tastes run in the same playground as hers then guess what...I'm just as un-awesome as I was before but by God I look good doing so. Of course hers were probably purchased in the kids section but I will not think of such things. I wore those jeans to a night at The Huntley in Los Angeles. Had I know the place was cougar central my ensemble would have incorporated a dash of leopard print. Leopard print and some hair teasing. Rebecca will vouch for me. A pic of Zoe in my possible jeans:

More After the Jump!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

B to the S

I've had an extremely trying weekend capped off with a literal hailstorm on Sunday. A hailstorm that most assuredly just destroyed the hood of my car. But bygones. I'm writing this because while the blindsides I received yesterday were RI-dick, three people in my life made it ok. You know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me release my sadness. I'm sure with the crazy way this world works these last few moments of complete assinine bullshit will not be solitary incidences. More bullshit will come. Just like Robin Williams movies. But not everyone will have the support system I have to tolerate it. So again, to you guys, my knights, I love you.

More After the Jump!

Friday, March 13, 2009


Normally I'm the biggest Spoiler whore this side of the Mason Dixie line. Shamefully I am the kid who opened my presents before Christmas then re-wrapped them feigning ecstasy on Jesus Day because I couldn't fathom not knowing what I was getting from my parents. I searched for my gifts before hand in the off-chance I hated what I got and couldn't method my way out of the disgust. Off-chance? What am I talking about off-change. As per usual I hate everything that isn't specifically on a pre-approved list. What? Lying here would only make gift spontaneity more popular amongst my friends which in turn would just require more method. Man, I'm such a dick but it gets worse. When I'd see said gift which was not as requested I'd proceed to drop hints for weeks that my friend, Sally, (always Sally) got [insert my Christmas gift here] for her birthday two weeks ago and wasn't that SOOOOOOO stupid Mom followed with a chuckle, chuckle for four counts..1, 2, 3, 4... then pause for three...1.2.3....then begin with who would want that?...deep deep breath for 1,2,3,4...continue with I mean can you believe it?...over emote for 4,5,6,...sigh again at 1,2,3..crescendo with I feel sorry for her pathetic excuse for a gift..pause for two,1,2...another sigh this time with slight head tilt downward for..3,4, 5, shake head with..1,2,3...and scene. Everytime guys. Everytime. As I type this I'm well aware that God did not need to provide me a physical asshole because technically my whole being is one. One big arsehole polluting the world with my own brand of E-coli called life. Damn it Rita, perdona! I really did learn to love that bright green Liz Claiborne wallet. It was never hard to find! I can't believe at almost 29 I still can't be decent about it all. This reminds me of the time I asked for a fake Louis Vuitton for my birthday. They sold them at Macy's under the brand "Moni". Little MM's instead of LVs. Cute, no? My father, who at the time adored me because my personality hadn't completely formed yet, decided to get me the real deal, as in LV, in an effort to appease his baby girl. Like real. At 11. You know what I did? So help me God to make him pay for his mistake of not buying me "Moni" I stuffed the probably $300 (it was the 80's kids) bag with fucking rocks to make a point. Quartz kids! Needless to say my father never forgave. From then on it was Math blaster 2.0 and other educational toys. Sigh. Follow me after the jump for the full tragedy.

SO yeah, I am not averse to knowing things before hand. In fact, it makes me deal with the world better, but sometimes, just sometimes, not knowing provides a thrill I had forgotten existed. Like when I picked up the Harry Potter books 7 years too late or when Jim and Pam finally got together on The Office. The feeling of NOT knowing what the hell was going to happen made me anxiety ridden and thus became a weekly topic at my therapy sessions. In the end, though, the payoff was fantastic. So were the bills....so were the bills. And yes I did indeed talk about Jim and Pam's relationship with my therapist; she assumed it was a metaphor. I did not correct her. Anywayz... Discovering things as they happened gives me a little high that I sometimes crave. And since I hadn't felt that for awhile I was looking forward to that little precious moment of incertitude with the release of Megan McCafferty's final chapter in the Jessica Darling series, Perfect Fifths. If you read this blog then you know to which books I'm speaking of because I have shoved them into your hands and the hands of those in your respective book clubs and/or made you a homemade "You.Yes.You." t-shirt as a Christmas gift..mmmmm Marcus.(sidenote: Jen I think you have my Charmed Thirds and Fourth Comings).

The book comes out April 14th, and I was STOKED, so much so I threw up a little in my mouth everytime I thought about the endless ways the story could go. Would Jessica end up with Marcus? Did Marcus cut off the dreds prompting him to lose his Samson-like mysticism? Are they both accountants? Or worse...Ice Road truckers! Has Jessica heard of Mutemath? So many possibilities! So many questions! All to be answered on April 14th!!! Gahhh! You see, you see the tension and bliss of the unknown I felt?!?!?! However someone will die because someone RUINED THE ENDING for me. Fuck no I'm not kidding! A reviewer that shall remain nameless, partially because I forgot who, thought it cool to answer some of the questions from the comments. Is it good? Yes, amazing, blah blah blah. Did you really like it? Of course who wouldn't blah blah blah. And then...DO MARCUS AND JESSICA END UP TOGETHER? Answer: I'm not telling you BUT SHE FUDGING TOLD ME. MOTHER CHUCKER!!!!!! This is what I wrote a friend when I found out:


I was SPOILED. I was SPOILED!! I found out how Perfect Fifths ends accidentally. FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! I didn't want to know and my eyes grazed on a book review comment and the reviewer answered the damn question!.DAMN IT TO HELL IN A HAND-WEAVED BASKET!


Note the excessive exclamation points and capital letters. That spells pissed friends. I know what you're thinking. Why did you go read reviews if you wanted that eensie little high of not knowing? Because it's a process folks. Because people just don't quit cold turkey. I was skimming to get a taste is all, smelling the bouquet to quote the most annoying overly-indulgent/descriptive writer ever. I did NOT expect said reviewer to answer the damn question. Who would answer that question?!?!? Tell me, WHO!!!? Whatever. So now I know. Granted I don't know how it unfolds or which perfect gems of dialogue/80's pop culture reference will be made this go round but I do know the bottom line. I hate that I know this. Will it deter me from picking up the book? Um...has a divorce from Lorenzo Lamas deterred the lucite beauty, Shauna Sands? No. I will still stand in line April 14th and read the book in a day in my You.Yes.You t-shirt. I will still dream that Marcus exists and is waiting to run into me at a Starbucks across the street and I will still enjoy it and push it on everyone. However I will already know the outcome. Le-Sigh. I guess in the grand scheme it could be worse. There could have been a half-vamp, half-human baby born with a full set of teeth named Marsica conceived from 107 year old sperm so....glass more than half full, yes?

More After the Jump!

Friday, February 20, 2009

The World is Catching On. Finally!


If you aren't an avid TGTS subscriber and have NO IDEA what the fuck I'm talking about then: read

And in the off-chance you're thinking to yourself, Who fucking cares, don't you realize the world economy is imploding and our President is being compared to a chimp and Rihanna...damn, then: read.

And in the off-off-chance you are hanging your head in shame at me, then: I agree.

More After the Jump!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Should I Be Concerned?

My father told me he was going to Walgreens today (Editors note: by today I meant Sunday... I have a job you know). This does not surprise me. He loves that place. For complete serious. He can spend HOURS browsing the isles coming back two, three, fours days later with two plastic bags full of such delights as Wrigley's DoubleMint Kona Cream Gum, i.e. coffee flavored spearmint, that he bought for .09 cents, and Clean & Clear face glow moisturizer that he assumes one of the three ladies of the house could dig. And if not, he informs me, as he lathers his hands with the metallic-like substance, it works on the body so no harm done. No, no harm done... to your hands. But your sweater? Yeah, "glow" taints my friends. Regardless, it's always fun to unpack the treasures my father finds at Walgreens. Unsuprisingly most fall under the "man I was so high at our company's product development symposium" category so they are practically gifted away. And my family does not reject gifts unless it surpasses the governments $1.5M lifetime gift exemption. Even then, I would take it and move to El Salvador where the word "extradite" is only used in terms of teeth cleaning. But alas today I was denied such pleasures. Why you ask? Because my father lied. He normally doesn't lie. Nunca. In fact I'd say his "honesty" can at times be....hmmm what's the word...douche-icitus. Like when he always says he liked my hair better before after I've returned from the salon in tears with a new hair cut that I asked the stylist to mimic Rachel Bilson only to realize after the scissors hit the hair shaft that she doesn't know who Rachel Bilson is but she knows of another famous Rachel, i.e. Rachel Green from Friends that she just so happened to have caught on reruns the night before in that episode where Ross and Rachel FINALLY get together and was that not who I was talking about? Comma, oh dear.

But anyway...I digress.

My father did not end up going to Walgreens because he, like many of us, got lured in by the ridiculous sales signs all over department stores. Don't you feel like those numbers on the colored cardboards are singing to you?..."Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got...wouldn't you like to get away....sometime you wanna go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came...." I know they know my name, especially at Barney's Co-Op, but in all heart attack, the sales dudes...the sales! Sidenote: I just bought some freaking sweet ass boots for 70% of. 70 PERCENT OFF. Only in this crippling economy guys. Where was I? Ah yes, so about four hours after the whole, "Oye, me voy a Walgreens, nos vemos" convo, my Dad comes back with some purchases. Sadly, none of them are of the macadamia nut flavored Neosporin variety but instead clothes for hisself. Two pairs of jeans. Alright. A bit baggy for my taste but perhaps my dad doesn't like constriction. Nor do I like the fact that I thought about my father's idea of what he finds constricting, or if he constricts, or anything related to anything ever never ever never never nunca never ever about my father and constriction in any sense of wanting constriction or just constriction with father.never. Next came a suit jacket that whatever. I mean it's a suit jacket. He tells me he'll wear it to tango. By all means go for it. And then....

And then he busts out his most favorite find of the day, a hunter green terry track suit from Juicy Couture...for men. Number one: They make Juicy Couture track suits for men? Number two: They make Juicy Couture track suits for men and men are buying them? Number three: They make Juicy Couture track suits for men and men are buying them and by men I mean my father? Is Speechless. I instinctively checked his wrists and hands for any silver chain bracelets or some sort of a leather cuff or perhaps a thick ring in the shape of a cross. WHAT.THE.FUCK. My mind immediately starts running and I take myself back to last weekend. Father in the kitchen. Long-sleeve fitted thermal with a skull emblazoned with what I thought when the sun hit it just so was a rhinestone but turned out to be an eyelash in my eye. He had paired that winner with a striped scarf. I laughed it off as a fluke but now? It is true that many a times good deals dictate what my father wears. He is anything if not monetarily savvy. And it's true that sometimes he does not know of what he wears. Take for instance fifteen years ago. My father is gifted, or found, or whatever a t-shirt that read "Vivo y Positivo!". He wore that beauty all the time because it was colorful and free and he thought it was a lovely shout-out to the art of thinking optimistically since the literal translation of the phrase reads, "Alive and Positive!" But no. The shirts were made for an AIDs walk-a-thon two years prior. Get it. Alive and Positive. I mean we all knew that. I thought he did too. It wasn't until I finally decided to verbally commend him for the solidarity that he awakened to the gist of the shirt. He hasn't worn it since. Not that he was offended by it in any way but you know he is clocking at a mean 135 pounds on a good week. Totally unfair, really high metabolism, but yeah.

So my point to this long winded rant is...should I be concerned? It starts with Juicy and faux Ed Hardy but then what? True Religion jeans? John Hardy wallet chain? SPRAY TAN!!!!!!!

I think we need to stage an intervention. Agree?

More After the Jump!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Will CUT YOU if you Don't

I don't watch TV much anymore. No, really. I'm 100% serious. Is there a new Office this week? Guess what...I dunno. Ok I do know. Yes there is and it looks amusing. But...but..I don't watch it live anymore. I don't watch anything live anymore. Honest. I had this idea awhile ago to attempt to explain this sudden seismic shift but you know what? I didn't. Not that it matters because I'm telling you now. I don't watch television much anymore. But does anyone these days? In any sort of religious way? I don't know someone who does. Do you? Are the constant questions confusing? Sorry I'm listening to music right now so I'm not coherent. I listen to music now. I also read. And do yoga in my bedroom with this DVD of a yoga instructor in her 60's with more flexibility than I feel is comfortable to watch. In, by the way, a green unitard that shows off her womanly figure nether area triangle to the fullest disadvantage. Think basset hound. I also like doin' stuff like drinking water. But all this my friends is a red herring because I have a favor to ask. Friday Night Lights comes back to NBC this Friday and I want the show to survive. Admitedly I never got around to finishing the second season but it's good quality entertainment. And Taylor Kitsch is in it in all his future Gambit glory. I'm going to Tivo it to support. You will too. I'm telling you now. To get you motivated:

More After the Jump!

Friday, January 2, 2009

Sharing the Love

Since I have some free time lately I thought I'd keep this puppy mildy up to date. Of course I make no promises. Promises are for politicians, but I'm trying. I thought today I would post some of the songs I've been listening to lately. They may not be your cup of tea but it's free. You wouldn't pass up the free handouts at Smoothie King even if you ate already, am I right? Exactly. Enjoy:

Fleet Foxes: Blue Ridge Mountains
Stars: Life 2 Unhappy Ending
Kings of Leon: Use Somebody
Bloc Party: Signs
The National: Fake Empire
Vampire Weekend: Exit Music (For a Film)
Paramore: Hallelujah
The Black Ghosts: Repetition Kills

More After the Jump!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Resolutions

My New Years Resolutions:

1. Download full albums. Last night Jen gave me two CD's to burn into my iTunes, Fleet Foxes and She & Him. If this were 2008 I would have probably just listened to the album picked one or two winners and left it at that. But this is 2009 my friends and I'm turning over a new leaf. This year it'll be all or nothing. I'm off to a great start, downloaded full albums of The Black Ghosts, Bloc Party, and The National. I'm more awesome already.

2. Stop being a bitch. A couple of weeks ago a co-worker described me as "acerbic" before taking it back then, a few seconds later, feeling the need to be a bit more accurate and descriptive, called me "caustic". Yes, caustic: capable of burning or corroding living tissue. That doesn't sound very pleasant now does it. I thought he was just on his period until a couple of days when another friend called me a "real fucking bitch". Granted said individual was at the time taking shots of After Shock while simultaneously drinking Red Bulls and Vodka. Not to mention three hours later found himself at a strip club getting kicked out for reasons he will not divulge. Needless to say he said it. Multiple times. And with much more ferocity as the night wore on. He also called me a lesbian, but I'm guessing that's just because the word "bitch" wasn't piercing my hard as steel exterior. That or he remembered my haircut from sophomore year. However today in the early hours of 2009 I think I can safely say that yes, I am a really bitchy hoesbeast. Bitchy bitchy, bitchy. Hoesbeast, hoesbeast, hoesbeat. Nice ring to it, no? But, as I admit this let me go on record as stating that some may find the attitude charming, i.e. myself. As they say one person's shit is another person's treasure. However I see it. I see how most would not want to be in my company the way that I act. And by most I mean everybody. So yeah, in the upcoming year I'm gonna try my hardest to earn a downgrade from caustic to merely off-putting. If I succeed we all win kids.

3. Remember I have a closet. This one is pretty self-explanatory. While I did ask for a maid for Christmas when I was nine, true story, at 29 asking for one for Christmas seems...so...I'm just going to say it cause you know it's true... smart...yes guys, smart.. but alas unnecessary. As is making Christmas lists. With the economy as it is and people reverting to Hamburger Helper to get them through this tough time, a maid could be superfluous if I remember that I have a closet.

There are other resolutions but eh. I won't actually work on them so why memorialize the rest of the list on my blog. Those that I have discussed here are the only ones that could potentially not make me suck in 2009.


Oh, and Happy New Year.

More After the Jump!