Sunday, March 10, 2013


Tomorrow I embark on a brand new adventure. I haven't been on one of those since I got  bangs last March. I just hope this new adventure doesn't become a YEAR + odyssey to make life right again. False advertising Zooey D. False. Advertising.

For me, change is akin to the 5 stages of grief in an obviously condensed, more blatantly pathetic and irrelevant form. The last couple of days went something like this:

Denial-Of course I'll see everyone from the office again, right? My last job wasn't so bad was it? Just because I was always the last kid picked for kickball doesn't mean it was always like that, no?  Wait wait wait, stop, that's inaccurate and unfair.  I wasn't exactly the last kid picked for kickball. I was thought of as the super retarded kid bribed by the allure of a "special" uniform in a different color. I got to take a permanent seat on the bench and hold the orange slices for everyone else. But still, is that so wrong?

Anger- Hold up. HOLD UP guys. I am not retarded. Damn you for calling me retarded. And for the record I am offended at your use of the word, "retarded." I hate you. You're retarded.

Bargaining- Can I still use my parking pass for convenient Grove parking? Shit, can I? Oh God what have I done. 

Depression- Hey, roommie, can you go with me to an Olive Garden 30 minutes from the city for their unlimited bread sticks on this Saturday night? Yes? Cool. Do they take reservations? There is nothing else to say here.

Acceptance- First day of school backpack ready? Check. First day outfit ready? Check. Lunch prepared? I dunno. If I bring a sandwich on my first day am I showing my hand too early? Do cool people even eat plain sandwiches?  Fuck, where is my panini maker?!?!?!?

So this is where I'm at right now. Well, physically anyway. Mentally, I'm still hoping I can teleport myself to a month from now when I'm happy at my new job dancing to Sergio Mendez on top of my desk with my coworkers. We're all in sunhats. We're also all laughing at a joke and admiring what a smooth shave our razors have accomplished.

Until that time however I'm going to continue to listen to New Order's Ceremony over and over again. Anytime I start to feel my heart beat increase out of nerves or a heightened sense of impending failure I crank this tune up. You should try it. It totally relaxes the soul. I mean, you know, if you're a fan of new wave music, that is. I get that not everyone is attracted to melodies meant to take all the hapiness experienced on this earth and turn it into dirty black coal but it totally does it for me. Yeah, I'm weird. Whatever. 

I'm off now to watch the latest episode of Girls on my DVR. Nothing like extreme second hand embarrassment and topless ping pong to remind us all that it could be much much worse. So much worse that it's actually more worser or even the worstest. Practically the most worst worstest ever.

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