Things That I Love: Brangelina

It's an obsession. Yes, I'm not afraid to admit it. I mean she's like ridiculously hot...the kind of hot that doesn't even make sense. You know? And it's true. Next time she graces the cover of a magazine, which shouldn't be too hard, take the time to really take a gander at her features. Really take a look. From the feline eyes, to the perfectly streamlined nose to that freakish mouth. They're over-the-top, especially that bulbous mass of flesh located about a couple of inches above her chin. That ginormous pout is so over-the-top that I've always wondered how as a child she managed to keep flies and the like out of there. It must have taken herculean effort or some wires or something to keep it closed . I'm just waiting for the day she makes her second appearance on The Actors Studio and finally confesses that the true cause of her early adulthood self-destruction was the digestion of too many fruitflies as a toddler. That and the fact that her mother allowed male/female sleepovers at the age of 12. And, no, it wasn't of the Dawson and Joey variety, where they laughed at all the funny places hair was growing while watching a Spielberg flick. In any event I digress. The point is for all practical purposes with those extremely distinctive features she could have looked like this. But thankfully she doesn't.



And then there is one Mr. William Bradley Pitt. The good looking El Pollo Loco employee turned actor who set hearts a flutter with a bare chested performance in a crappy movie titled Thelma and Louise. I personally think it's the hair that sealed the deal to his hotness, though. It had to be the hair, really. Because frankly while he's extremely attractive, there is no way I sat through hundreds of viewings of that painfully depressing film, Legends of the Fall, on facial features alone. I mean that Indian chick he ended up marrying was ugly and I can't stand watching two people make out when the two parties involved in the lip lockage aren't on equal hotness footing. It's just not right. So it had to be the hair that added that je ne se qua and allowed me to get through it. Well to be fair, there was that one great scene where he's on top of the mountain with said mane flowing in the wind all pensive. You know the one I'm talking about right?..That scene. Wait...or was it that other scene where he's on top of the mountain with his mane flowing in the wind all stoic. Can't remember. Anyway, regardless of where he measures on my range of hotness, i.e. 1.) being Fajardo Aceves Jesus Manuel, aka the Wolfman, a delightful trapeze artist from Mexico, and 10.) being Taylor Kitsch, who's hotness I can't even put into words, other than to say that even if he turned out to be a pedophile I'd still want to date him, Brad is arguably the hottest man alive to most women.

So when the forces of nature brought these two together to form Brangelina, it was just like too much. The world imploaded and we began anew with this superforce that saves Iranians, obesity in America, and greenness, one adopted child at a time. And Shiloh, their biological child, or as some call her, "The Chosen One", she's going to be able to conceive immaculately. Just you wait. They are like that powerful.