The Spears Conspiracy

I refuse to believe this is all happenstance. Refuse. So this morning I turned on my computer, clicked the Safari icon on the bottom of my Mac (and spare me the Firefox is better mumbo-jumbo, I'm too indignant to argue right now), and up popped my home page, www.people.com, (also spare me the WTF? People is your home page shpeal). Right there, the first headline I read for the day in bold letters says "Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is Pregnant". Cue: Are you Effing kidding me!?!?! Words like flabbergasted, perturbed and annoyed pretty much cover the emotion I felt at that instant. Yeah, it's true that she's no sister or relative of mine, nor is she a celebrity I have ever talked about, thought about, or even remembered existed...well, unless there is a paparazzi shot of her at a Starbucks with her deranged older sister, who coincidentally at that moment was probably barefoot, in cut-offs, holding her child with rotten teeth in one hand and a cig/venti Mocca Frappachino with extra whip combo in the other floating around on the celebrity blog sites I visit.

So why does this news upset me so? Well first off, she, on the surface, looked normal. Eh, ok, not so true. She did and possible still does sport the, blonde on top, black underneath hair look that's definitely not a style winner. But besides that, I thought that she would escape the chicken friedness of it all. You know what I'm talking about right? The idea that after looking at it and by chance smelling it you have to wash your hands. That's Britney in a nutshell so I figured the younger sister would learn from the elders mistakes. But it ain't so. Oh, how it ain't so. Now the world has to deal with 3 Spears in the world in the span of 3 years. 3 Spears who's family gene pool, according to Us Weekly, includes a suicider, a wife beater, a substance abuser, and Britney. Tragic. And this in a world that only has one Clinton, one (biological) Jolie-Pitt, two Gates, and two sons of WIndsor. Which begs the question, what are these crazy loco Spears up to? Don't think for one second I don't smell a conspiracy. Is Vladimir Putin behind this? Did he pay for their impregnation and subsequent dumbing down of our Nation through their birth to bring Russia back as a formidable enemy?

You tell me.