Friday, August 15, 2008

Seven Years Late to the Party

This is a clandestine post. Repeat. This is a clandestine post. I'm actually at my office right now feigning smartness and workingness. I could get fired for this, if, well, people knew my name and what I actually did here. But it's all worth it to be able to say, "clandestine". And fine, I'm kinda making that up. Not the "clandestine" part, that word is how babies are made, for reals, but rather the whole name part because it is true that yesterday I got a, "Hey Hollywood, when you movin' to L.A.?". And later, from the same, tae kwon doe jedi master, or whatever he's called besides Mike, the office supply guy, "Hey Punky Brewster! Don't she look like Punky Brewster? Yeah, you're Punky with a little Evangeline, you know, that chick from Lost mixed in for hotness. Ain't dat right? You know eyez am gurl" I wish I was making this up, or that I did look like a half Punky half Evangeline mut. Either way I'm off topic.

The point of this clandestine post, however, is to comment on the lastest fandom explosion. But before I touch upon said fandom explosion I thought it would be in my readers best interest to sort of give youse guys a sprinkle of backstory as to what the fuck is going on here. So why don't you be a dear and follow me after the jump.
Hmmm...let's start with four or five months ago when I began reading the Twilight Series. Yes, yes, that one. Again. Just please..just, just,... just don't go there, ok? I have enough esplaining to do in my life as is, what with the singledom, the eating vanilla icing out of the tub, and the Venus five blade razor that I swear is giving me more leg hair, so can we simply and without getting out of hand focus here. Alright?! DON'T YOU JUDGE ME YOU!!! Breathing...Where was I? Ah yes, so I was reading the saga, mentalizing how my therapist would spin the obsession...No Monique, what we are dealing with here is an obvious attempt to forgo a real life with real relationships and goals. A fictional boy will not love you back. He can't... when I realized that I had no one to talk to about this, besides my therapist who would inevitably attempt to pry the books from my short stubby hands. I mean, not even one person of my acquiantence who would take five minutes to indulge me on how Edward's love for Bella was like a meteor in a moonless night. It was crushing to say the least so I did what any other respectable twentysomething would do, I bargained with a friend. The deal was simple. She would, under the cover of night and possibly in disguise, read the book in exchange for something else. That "something else" would be determined at a later date. I agreed on the spot without even thinking about the risks of my action. I figured, what the hell could she force me to do, go to a bar with her and discuss my social ineptidude? Oooh, scary. So in conclusion, I shook her hand and it thusly changed my life. Not a week later my friend dropped something off at my house in a plastic bag. It was colorful, heavy, and thick. It was books 1-4 of the Harry Potter Series. Checkmate, Monique, Checkmate.

I had to hand it to her, she outsmarted me fairly and squarely. She had been telling me to read these book for awhile but I had adamantly refused because I don't do books that don't involve ripped bodices or some sort of main character with slight mental retardation/drug and alcohol problem. Alas I knew this was going to be rough, especially because there are seven of them and they seemed ridiculousy long and complicated with words like "muggle", "quiddich", and "wingardium leviosa" It's levi-O-sa, not Levio-SA. Thank you Rupert Grint. Also because there are seven of them. But a deal is a deal and I don't back out on deals, which is why, coincidentally I don't make deals. Ever. Except for that one time I made a deal with my father that I would stop wearing a toe ring if he stopped insinuating that said toe ring was a gateway to drugs. Anyway, I began. And then, poof, in an instant, I was done with all 7 of them. Words can not describe my exhilaration in reading these books, nor the complete emotional rollercoaster I felt during that time. With every last page of every book, I started sweating wondering what JK would do next to shadder my poor, frail muggle heart. NOOOOO Sirius NOOOOO!!!!!...Dumbledore? Wa? Can you hear me??Dumbledore?!? Dumbeldore?!?! Wake up!! Wake up!! NOOOOOO WWWWHHHH-EYYYYYY?sob...sob..sob..Dumbledorrrreeeee!!!!!!!..*faints*...Dobby what are you doing here?...Dobby, listen to me! It's dangerous... Be careful!!....DOBBYYYY not you too!!! NOOOO!!! you you...bastard JK!!!...

...A moment of silence....

Anywayz,I am happy to report that Harry, Ron, and Hermionie are now my fictional besties. YAY! Fantastic isn't it? Yes, it so is. As it was for the rest of the world, like in 2004. Apparently Severus Snape jokes are so lame now. I'm like the aunt who just got the Rachel haircut. Whatever. Also, Gary Oldman is still the hottest man alive. Done and Done.

But this again is not the point. So what is the point? The point wanna guess? Ok, fine, don't be so touchy. The point is that the sixth installment of the franchise, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was supposed to arrive in theaters November 21, 2008, but WB had other plans. Warner Bros thought to itself, "why we gonna waste deez-tentpole? (said as someone would say deez-nutz). Dark Knight essentially got us laid for da whole year so lez piss off da whole world! Yes Yes! (Don't ask me what the accent is, only my brain can do it) However, may I supplement with a translation: WB moved HP6 to July in order to ensure the bottom line for 2009. Since 2008 exceeded even its most ludicrous expectations they didn't want to waste another bonafide box office success on an already stellar year. Was that a smart move? My business background says yes, my muggle heart, however, says NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I will wait it out though and so will you.


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