Sunday, September 30, 2012

Beautimous Maximus


On the heels of TLC's announcement of more "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," in our future  I felt compelled to write a little something about what has become my FAVORITE show of the now defunct summer. I do mightily confess I originally judged this gem because of its gross representation of Americana. At the time I believe I deemed it the best deterrent for  immigration into this country. And well, jeah, it is. At least to the white-ish ones trying to make it over. However, after closer inspection, and by closer inspection I mean watching every episode at least twice, it has become apparent that while on the surface the show highlights the dangers of extreme heat and public education, deep deep down at its core, aka, the inner recesses of June's vagiggle jaggle, Honey Boo Boo is nothing more than a sweet slice of what families these days ought to be. It is the true essence of "You is smart, you is kind, and you is important,"without the "you is smart" part.

For those of you who haven't tuned into the show yet because either a.) you're protesting  the exploitive nature of reality TV (c'mon who doesn't want to see the lives of conjoined twins making it in this world? ) or b.) quite simply have a loved one to come home to at night let me break the show down in a quick paragraph or two:


The title of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" is in reference to the youngest of the bunch, Alana's, famous catch phrase, "A dollah makes me hollah, honey boo boo child," which yes, infers she's a child prostitute but never you mind. We met Alana when she was on another TLC show, "Toddlers & Tiaras," where she caught the producer's eye with her go go juice, a toxic and quite clever mixture of Mountain Dew and Red Bull. Now, Mama Bear June got a LOT of flack for concocting the drink and allowing her daughter to pound it before routines but to be fair, how many of us would have sold our kin to acquire said go go juice, ie natural absynthe, sometime in college to get through a potential date rape scenario or Intro to Microeconomics? Oh, you didn't take that class? Was it because you knew what you wanted to do in life and realized Microeconomics GETS YOU NOWHERE? You is smart. I rarely watch Toddlers & Tiaras but I did watch Extreme Couponing and guess who was on that show? Mmm hmm, Mama Bear June. She was one of the better batshit crazy ladies profiled in terms of the most legitimate not yet expired items as the take away. I remember watching her and her family from the episode and thinking to myself well, if she has four children then there's hope for us all.  Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, therefore, is the culmination of all TLC has to offer in one sitting besides the marvel of a fully functioning two headed girl with friends and self esteem far greater than mine. I do wonder though if one of them can ever truly feel beautiful because she has her twin sister's head attached to her body..Just a thought. 

Luckily, Honey Boo Boo doesn't focus exclusively on Alana, her pageants, or her mother's hoarding. No, this show gives us the opportunity to meet each quality member of the Klan. That's not a typo. I can sense it, you know, just like I can sense when I've taken my outfit  one step too far. Along with Alana, and her mother, Mama Bear June, there are three other Mensa candidates in this glorious family with their own schtick.  The eldest, who's name I can't remember and frankly don't need to remember, recently had a baby named Kaitlyn who, unfortunately, was born with eleven fingers(I swear you can't make this shit up). Kaitlyn's extra special finger is a thumb and according to Alana will make eating cheese balls easier. So true and wise young soul.  Alana isn't old enough to understand yet but that extra finger will also make picking your nose slightly easier, scratching an itch even more so, and perform unintentional sexual acts easiest of all. Some guy out there will get the happy ending he always thought he deserved courtesy of the dexterity of Kaitlyn's thumby. I smell a spin-off!!!!! The second oldest daughter is nicknamed "Chubs," which she doesn't find offensive at all because she thinks it's true which I get. I have a cousin my uncle calls, "Burger," because she loves Burger King and guess what? She did. She couldn't get enough of that charboiled burger taste and begged to go every day. My nickname as a kid was, "La Jode Jode," which loosely translates to " the little shit," or in the alternative, "that little fucker." It was an endearment of sorts bestowed upon me by my oldest aunt. To be fair I was SUCH a little shit at that time. A time that included Noriega mind you. The third kid is ," Pumpkin." She mostly sits in a chair in the background of her mother's solo confessionals to utter key phrases at apropos times like, "My goal is to be obese." You're on your way Pumpkin. On. Your. Way.  Finally there's my favorite, Sugar Bear. Sugar Bear is Alana's biological father, (did I forget to mention each daughter has a different daddy? I think in some parts of the South people still believe birth control pills and condoms are myths perpetuated by Union soldiers) and the only male in the family. I can't tell if Sugar Bear has all of his teeth since he has the most difficult time opening his mouth fully to enunciate. When I try to really take a look my view is clouded by his dip, a product I will never understand. You know dip is basically tobacco with shards of tiny glass to cut the gum line and inner mouth for easier absorption right? Who am I to judge though. My collective life decisions could be summed up in one word: macabre.

In each episode Mama Bear, Sugar Bear, mother of thumbellina, Chubs, Pumpkin, and Alana collaborate on some hillbilly exercise meant to make us all feel like we've won the lottery by knowing our alphabet. Let's see there was, "going to the store," which meant going dumpster diving, food auctions (don't even know if that's legal), Redneck Olympics where Pumpkin played bobbing for pigs feet, Christmas in Jew-lie, Water Parking, and creating slip and slides with black trash bags and soap (this was before Sugar Bear constructed an above the ground pool that took up their front yard which runs parallel to a railroad track. Prime real estate if you plan on robbing a bank with a tommy gun). And amazingly this is just their activities. Who can forget the meals! Meat patties from roadkill and rando bambis, spagetti made with ketchup and an entire tub of country crock, and of course cheese balls.I would be lying if I hadn't walked into my refrigerator in the depths of my despair one night and touched my own tub of soft margarine while glancing at an egregiously expired bottle of ketchup with a gleam in my eye. Chillax, I didn't do it...yet. We can all safely assume that all of these shenanigans are majorly produced (except for the spaghetti) but honestly who cares. If some a-hole from Los Angeles whispered into Alana's ear that she should use the phrase, "redneckonize," it only gives our lexicon one more ingenious way to make our four father's rot in their graves. I'd buy a t-shirt with that slogan plastered on it. In fact, I'm looking it up right now.

So why is it that I suggest this family is something to aspire to? Because at its heart this family is being raised by two loving parents who remind them every day that they're worth it. Alana can't fit into her pageant wear because she's gained a couple of pounds? Who cares because she's beautimous. If Chubs gets teased at school? It don't matter because all she's got to do is put some paint on that barn (Boo boo speak for make-up) and she will instantly be glamorous. Mama Bear June deformed her foot in a a freak (questionable)fork-lift accident when she worked at a warehouse (again, you can't make this shit up) but that doesn't stop her from doing her thing. She adapted and now just walks around in socks, all the time, all day, everyday, and does not give a fuck. I swear these girls get more positive affirmation daily than probably most girls in America. They also get unconditional love and support from Sugar Bear even though he's only fathered one of them. Not only are Sugar Bear and Mama Bear teaching them to support each other and love themselves, but also how to live frugally, enjoy the pleasures they are afforded, and live life to the best of their abilities. Therefore while the girls will all probably go nowhere, have babies when they're teens, and live in the same po dunk little town all their lives, they will at least always know they is kind and they is important.







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